In my dream I walk back into the house that we once shared and as if by magic, it is once again filled with laughter.
I walk in to the dining room and its packed with people. Some I know, some I don’t but I see you and our eyes lock. I get that feeling in my stomach. You know the one, where it feels like you’ve been punched and all of the air is sucked out of you?
I notice that dinner is being served and I am being asked by a stranger to take my seat. I sit across from you. Everybody is talking and we, remarkably, fall into easy conversation.
Then you start laughing. You laugh and you laugh, throwing your head back, as if you don’t have a care in the world. As if you didn’t abandon me. As if you didn’t abandon your newborn son. As if nothing ever happened and my hurt never existed.
Then the air is sucked out of me again and my body is filled with dread.
I lower my head and start to cry, then the crying turns into sobbing and I look up, right into your eyes.
“How could you do this to me?!!”, I exclaim. “How could you?”, I say, louder this time. “How could you fucking do this to me?!!”
“How could you do this to our son?!!”, I say as I stand up.
You also stand, all eyes are upon us.
You approach me and I push you away. You come towards me again, and I push you away again, this time striking you.
“You have to forgive me”, you say. “You HAVE to forgive this, only then will you be able to move on”
I walk outside and see your mother standing there by the door, your father and sister are behind her.
I lock eyes with your mother, probably for the first time ever, as I walk past her. I walk down the driveway, away from our house, our family, and the life I once knew. I walk away from it all and wake up more depressed than I was when you left.